Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Terrible idea I love it
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
