OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I am naked and annoyed.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
