sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
