we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
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