awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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