Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
