Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
