I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
