I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
