The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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