This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
