textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
