Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
