He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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