So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
