We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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