he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
