I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
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Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
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how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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