There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
