I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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