When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
