I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
