he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative