Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
