its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
