i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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