she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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