i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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