Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
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It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
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Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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