I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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