Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
