I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Why is there bacon in the couch?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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