In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
