New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
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