i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
