i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
