Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
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