Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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