Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
