i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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