I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
