Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
