I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
