literally had 100 drinks last night.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
