May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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