he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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