I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
