So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
