u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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