uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
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