Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
