I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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