i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
This couple is walking their pig around campus
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