Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
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Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
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Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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