I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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