I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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