My liver just broke up with me...
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
