do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
