if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I think people are normalizing furries
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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